Do you want to make quiche? Too bad. Luckily, we’ve got theories of everything: the Cook’s Illustrated Relationship Postulate, the Victim-Blaming Recapitulation of Home Alone, and the 100% Probability of Ringtones Being Audible. We pay a visit to the video-store equivalent of ESPN classic, half-ass our Halloween costumes with particular outfits we’d wear anyway, and stage a culinary battle of bellicose eponymous foodstuffs. Tell all your friends: we’re keeping the huns in Hanukkah.